Local Dog Terrorizes Peoria Heights with Earth-Shattering Farts

LEILA

The block emitted a stench of ancient eggs, spoiled milk, and sauerkraut left in the sun for decades. Neighbors questioned, “Where is that sinister dog? Why would she do this?”

Leila Snowden-Matthews, a local bullmastiff puppy, has allegedly been terrorizing Peoria Heights with her ghastly gas. The dismal chain of events started when the young canine chewed through a wall of her house, because she had eaten all the dog food and was looking for more snacks.

“I seen it all,” said Peoria Heights native Wilbur Rumpletooth. “She come tearin’ outta there like some kind of wicked beast. Her farts was rumblin’ the ground like you wouldn’t believe. Musta registered real high on that Richter scale. Her tail was a’ waggin’ like she wanted to destroy everythin’ in sight.”

Hungry and malevolent, Leila ran to the McDonald’s on Prospect and War Memorial, where she devoured every Big Mac and McChicken in the restaurant.

“It was a horrible sight,” said Nina Santa Pinta Maria, a McDonald’s employee. “She just wouldn’t stop eating. She just wouldn’t stop farting. She was like a demented crackhead, and the sandwiches were her crack.”

A biohazard team was deployed to combat the chemical flatulence, and the McDonald’s was sealed off due to airborne toxins.

For the past week, minor earthquakes caused by Leila’s abominable toots have rocked Peoria Heights. Thick smog hangs over the entire city, and traffic accidents in the area have increased by 88%.

“That devil dog is a real nuisance,” said a local bookstore owner who wished to remain anonymous. “I say we call in Godzilla and Captain America to take care of her once and for all!”

At press time, Leila Snowden-Matthews is still at large, and witnesses report that she is using intimidation tactics such as the phrase “snort snort sniff.”

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